TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Indeed, certain, let's have A different place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It's that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians Trump Tower Damascus are Doubtful what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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